You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
