oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
