What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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