she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
