yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
