I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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