k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
