I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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