In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
