im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
