i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
