Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
