I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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