Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
ttyl tear gas
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
