He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
