Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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