You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
