Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
