In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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