Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
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I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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