I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
