dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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