hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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