If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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