Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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