"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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