Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
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Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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