He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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