were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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