oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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