You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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