I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
