Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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