Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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