fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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