Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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