I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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