Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Terrible idea I love it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
