Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
