Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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