whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
