You're my little dorito
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
