Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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