How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
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Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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