I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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