she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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