I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am one with the molecules
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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