Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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