So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
this will be a night to untag.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Two words: blizzard sex
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
