I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
