oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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