Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
