Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
