I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
