I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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